What is "Attachment Style" and how does it impact my relationships?

Attachment style: how it shapes relationships and mental health

Attachment theory describes how early interactions with caregivers influence the ways people think, feel, and behave in close relationships across the lifespan. Though originally developed to explain child-caregiver bonds, attachment styles continue to shape adult intimate relationships, friendships, and even how people respond to stress and pursue mental health. Mary Ainsworth's research on attachment styles, especially her Strange Situation procedure, identified secure, anxious-ambivalent, and avoidant patterns of infant-caregiver relationships and showed how these early interactions shape later social and emotional development.Understanding your attachment style can clarify recurring relationship patterns, reduce self-blame, and point to practical steps for healthier connection and emotional regulation.

What are the main attachment styles?

Researchers commonly identify four attachment styles in adults:

• Secure

  • Comfortable with intimacy and autonomy.

  • Able to trust partners and ask for support when needed.

  • Balances emotional closeness and independence.

• Anxious (sometimes called anxious-preoccupied)

  • Worries about being abandoned or not being loved enough.

  • Seeks frequent reassurance and can be hypervigilant to relationship cues.

  • Emotional highs and lows in response to perceived closeness or distance.

• Avoidant (sometimes called dismissive-avoidant)

  • Values independence and self-reliance; discomfort with too much closeness.

  • Minimizes emotional needs and may withdraw during conflict.

  • Can appear distant, emotionally unavailable, or dismissive of others’ feelings.

• Disorganized (sometimes called fearful-avoidant)

  • Mix of anxious and avoidant features: longs for closeness but fears it.

  • Often linked to histories of trauma, loss, or unpredictable caregiving.

  • May display confusing, contradictory behaviors—approach and then retreat.

How attachment style develops

Attachment styles form through repeated interactions with early caregivers. Consistent, responsive caregiving tends to produce a secure attachment. Caregivers who are inconsistent, intrusive, rejecting, or frightening can lead to anxious, avoidant, or disorganized patterns. Genetics and temperament also contribute, and later life experiences—romantic relationships, friendships, therapy—can modify attachment patterns over time.

How attachment style affects relationships

• Communication and conflict:

  • Secure individuals typically communicate needs and handle conflict constructively.

  • Anxious individuals may escalate conflict through emotional expression and demands for reassurance.

  • Avoidant individuals may withdraw, stonewall, or downplay problems.

  • Disorganized individuals may alternate between clinging and pushing away, creating instability.

• Intimacy and trust:

  • Secure people are able to trust and rely on partners.

  • Anxious people may mistrust partners’ commitment and seek constant validation.

  • Avoidant people may resist deep vulnerability and keep emotional distance.

  • Disorganized people may struggle to form a coherent sense of safety with others.

• Partner selection and relationship cycles:

  • Anxious individuals can be attracted to avoidant partners, creating a push–pull cycle that reinforces both styles.

  • Avoidant individuals may choose partners who tolerate distance, enabling their withdrawal.

  • Secure people are more likely to select partners who match their capacity for intimacy, leading to more stable relationships.

• Parenting and intergenerational effects:

  • Attachment patterns influence parenting behaviors. For example, an avoidant parent’s emotional distance can affect a child’s sense of security. Awareness and intervention can reduce transmission across generations.

How attachment style affects mental health

• Anxiety and depression:

  • Anxious attachment is associated with higher rates of relationship-related stress, rumination, and symptoms of anxiety and depression.

  • Avoidant attachment can be linked to suppressed emotions, underrecognized depression, or psychosomatic symptoms.

• Stress response and coping:

  • Secure attachment supports effective stress regulation and use of social support.

  • Insecure attachment styles can lead to maladaptive coping: hypervigilance, emotional dysregulation, avoidance, or substance use.

• Risk of trauma-related difficulties:

  • Disorganized attachment often correlates with histories of trauma and a higher risk for PTSD, dissociation, and complex emotional symptoms.

• Self-esteem and identity:

  • Attachment experiences shape beliefs about worth and lovability. Insecure attachment often involves negative self-beliefs that affect decision-making and life satisfaction.

Signs your attachment style may be affecting you

• Repeated relationship patterns (e.g., frequent breakups, intense jealousy, chronic distance).

• Difficulty asking for help or accepting support.

• Strong emotional reactions to minor relationship events.

• Chronic loneliness despite being in relationships.

• Patterns of people-pleasing or excessive independence.

• Persistent worry about abandonment or rejection.

What helps: moving toward security

Attachment styles are not fixed. With awareness and practice, people can move toward greater security. Effective approaches include:

• Psychoeducation: Learning about attachment patterns normalizes experiences and reduces shame.

• Therapy: Attachment-focused therapies, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), trauma focused therapies like Somatic Experiencing, EMDR

"Why Do I Feel Numb?": Coping with News Fatigue and Global Events

Why Do I Feel Numb?: Coping with News Fatigue and Global Events

Feeling numb in response to ongoing crises, constant headlines, and the steady stream of terrible news is a common and understandable reaction. Numbness is not a personal failing — it’s often your brain’s way of protecting you from overload. This post explains why numbness happens, how to recognize it, and practical steps to cope and restore balance.

What numbness looks and feels like:

• Emotional blunting: reduced ability to feel strong emotions — sadness, anger, or joy may seem muted or distant.

• Detachment: feeling disconnected from people, events, or your own life.

• Exhaustion or apathy: low energy, lack of motivation to act, or indifference about things that used to matter.

• Cognitive fog: difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, or indecision.

• Physical symptoms: sleep disruptions, headaches, changes in appetite, or bodily tension without clear cause.

Why numbness happens in response to news and global events:

• Overload and chronic stress: constant exposure to alarming information triggers prolonged stress responses. To avoid being overwhelmed, the brain can down-regulate emotions.

• Compassion fatigue: repeated exposure to others’ suffering can exhaust empathic resources, making it harder to feel or respond.

• Learned helplessness: when problems seem large, distant, or uncontrollable, people may withdraw emotionally as an adaptive response to perceived powerlessness.

• Emotional contagion and endless repetition: the same stories, images, and statistics replayed across platforms reduce emotional impact over time.

• Cognitive distancing: to maintain daily functioning, you may unconsciously compartmentalize distressing information and disconnect from feelings.

  When numbness becomes a concern:

• Numbness is a protective signal, but sustained or deepened numbness may interfere with daily life or indicate a mood disorder. Consider seeking professional help if you:

• Have persistent numbness lasting weeks to months.

• Experience worsening withdrawal from relationships or responsibilities.

• Notice self-destructive thoughts or behaviors.

• Struggle with sleep, appetite, or concentration to the point that functioning is impaired.

  Practical coping strategies:

• Set boundaries with media

  • Limit the time you spend reading or watching news; schedule specific, brief check-ins (for example, 15–30 minutes in the morning and once in the evening). You may even consider 1-2 times a week for 5 minutes.

  • Choose reputable sources and avoid sensationalist outlets that emphasize constant crisis framing.

  • Turn off notifications and mute topics or hashtags that feel overwhelming.

• Curate your intake

  • Prioritize actionable or locally relevant information over global feeds that offer no path for response.

  • Balance negative news with constructive or solutions-focused content: stories of community response, aid efforts, or practical resources.

• Reconnect with purposeful action

  • Channel feelings into small, concrete actions: donate to vetted organizations, volunteer locally, sign a petition, or support a neighbor.

  • Small acts of agency help counter helplessness and restore moral coherence.

• Build emotional recovery practices

  • Grounding techniques: focus on the present through breathwork, a 5-4-3-2-1 sensory scan, or simple stretches to reconnect mind and body.

  • Mindfulness and self-compassion: practice noticing feelings without judgment. Remind yourself that numbness is a normal adaptive response.

  • Emotional check-ins: set a daily habit to name your emotions (even if they feel muted). Labeling can help restore awareness.

• Strengthen social connection

  • Share your experience with someone you trust. Saying “I’m feeling numb” out loud can reduce isolation.

  • Seek conversations that are not centered on news — activities, memories, humor, and mutual support help rebuild emotional range.

• Reintroduce meaning and routine

  • Reaffirm routines that support physical and mental health: sleep schedules, regular meals, movement, and time outdoors.

  • Reconnect with hobbies, creative outlets, or spiritual practices that provide a sense of identity beyond the news cycle.

• Use limits as self-care, not avoidance

  • Distinguish between healthy distancing and complete avoidance. It’s okay to step back for your mental health, but stay informed enough to act when needed.

• When to seek professional help

  • Consider therapy if numbness persists, if you develop depressive symptoms, or if you have trouble functioning at work or in relationships.

  • Therapists can help process overwhelming feelings, restore emotional responsiveness, and develop coping strategies tailored to you.

Supporting others who feel numb:

• Listen without minimizing: validate their experience (“That makes sense given how much you’ve been hearing.”).

• Offer shared activities that are low-demand: a walk, a coffee, or a quiet creative session.

• Encourage small actions that restore agency, and gently suggest professional help if numbness continues.

Trauma-Informed Care: Healing Through Therapy in Colorado

Trauma-Informed Care: Healing Through Therapy in Colorado Springs Using Somatic Experiencing

Trauma affects the body as well as the mind. In Colorado Springs, therapists and community clinics increasingly use trauma-informed care models that prioritize safety, choice, and collaboration. One of the most effective and evidence-informed approaches used within trauma-informed care is Somatic Experiencing (SE). This post explains what trauma-informed care is, why Somatic Experiencing is effective, how SE is used by Colorado therapists, common benefits, and what to look for when seeking trauma therapy in Colorado.

What is trauma-informed care?

• Trauma-informed care is an approach that recognizes the prevalence and impact of trauma and integrates that understanding into all aspects of care. Key principles include safety, trustworthiness, peer support, collaboration, empowerment, and cultural humility.

• In behavioral health and medical settings, trauma-informed care reduces re-traumatization and improves outcomes by adapting treatment to a person’s needs and nervous system responses.

What is Somatic Experiencing?

• Somatic Experiencing is a body-oriented therapeutic method developed by Dr. Peter A. Levine. It focuses on resolving the physiological effects of trauma stored in the nervous system rather than only processing trauma through talk therapy or cognitive techniques.

• SE practitioners help clients notice bodily sensations, track subtle impulses, and regulate autonomic arousal. The method uses titration (small incremental exposure), pendulation (moving between states of activation and calm), and resource-building to renegotiate traumatic responses.

Why Somatic Experiencing fits within trauma-informed care

• SE aligns with trauma-informed care principles by emphasizing safety, empowerment, and collaboration. It validates bodily experiences and centers the client’s self-regulation capacities.

• Trauma-informed Somatic Experiencing recognizes cultural context, consent, and pacing — avoiding retraumatization and providing individualized care.

How Somatic Experiencing works in therapy

• Assessment: The therapist conducts an intake that includes trauma history, current triggers, and baseline nervous system functioning. Safety planning and stabilization are prioritized.

• Resourcing: Before exploring traumatic material, therapists help clients build internal and external resources — grounding skills, breathwork, body awareness, and supportive relationships.

• Tracking sensations: Clients learn to notice physical sensations associated with stress (tightness, shaking, heat, tingling). The therapist uses guided attention to help the nervous system complete defensive responses that were interrupted during the original trauma.

• Titration and pendulation: Rather than reliving trauma, SE works in small manageable increments. Clients move between manageable activation and calm to gradually increase tolerance and integration.

• Integration: Over time, clients report reduced hyperarousal, fewer intrusive memories, improved sleep, and greater capacity for relational connection.

Common conditions treated with Somatic Experiencing

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

• Complex PTSD

• Acute stress reactions

• Anxiety and panic disorders with a trauma basis

• Chronic pain and somatic symptoms related to trauma

• Dissociation and grounding difficulties

Benefits of Somatic Experiencing in trauma therapy

• Reduces physiological hyperarousal and panic symptoms

• Lowers frequency/intensity of flashbacks and intrusive memories

• Improves emotional regulation and sleep quality

• Enhances embodiment and sense of safety in the body

• Complements cognitive therapies (CBT, TF-CBT, EMDR) and can be integrated into comprehensive treatment plans

Trauma-informed care and Somatic Experiencing in Colorado

• Colorado Springs has a growing community of trauma-informed clinics, licensed mental health professionals, and somatic practitioners offering therapy in urban and rural settings.

• Many Colorado therapists integrate Somatic Experiencing with other trauma treatments to address complex needs—especially for first responders, military veterans, survivors of accidents, and survivors of interpersonal violence.

• Telehealth options expand access to Somatic Experiencing across Colorado, while in-person sessions can be valuable when hands-on grounding or movement-based interventions are indicated.

How to find a trauma-informed Somatic Experiencing therapist in Colorado

• Look for licensed mental health professionals (LPC, LCSW, LMFT, psychologist) who list Somatic Experiencing or SE practitioner training on their profiles.

• Verify training: Somatic Experiencing practitioners typically complete SE training modules and ongoing consultation. Ask about experience with trauma-informed care and specific populations (e.g., veterans, adolescents).

• Check for trauma-informed practices: intake that emphasizes safety, consent, and pacing; collaborative treatment planning; and attention to cultural and community context.

• Consider practical factors: insurance and sliding-scale options, telehealth availability, session length, and clinician availability.

What to expect in an initial session

• A trauma-informed SE clinician will prioritize safety, explain the somatic approach, and co-create a plan for pacing and resources. You won’t be pressured to relive traumatic memories; instead,

Finding Calm in Colorado Springs: Managing Anxiety in a High‑Stress Environment

Finding Calm in Colorado Springs: Managing Anxiety in a High‑Stress Environment

Living in Colorado Springs offers stunning mountain views, abundant outdoor recreation, and a strong sense of community — but it can also come with unique stressors. Commuting on busy highways, juggling seasonal tourist surges, demanding work cultures, and the pressure to stay active outdoors can all contribute to elevated anxiety. This guide offers practical steps to reduce stress and find calm, whether you’re a longtime resident, a newcomer, or just visiting.

Understand Your Stressors

• Identify triggers: Keep a simple log for a week. Note situations, times, and physical sensations when you feel anxious (e.g., traffic on I‑25, busy downtown weekends, work deadlines).

• Recognize patterns: Anxiety often follows predictable cycles — specific places, social situations, or physical states (hunger, lack of sleep).

• Separate controllables from uncontrollables: Focus energy on actions you can control (scheduling, routines, self‑care) and allow acceptance for what you cannot change immediately.

Use the Local Environment to Your Advantage

• Nature exposure: Regular time in green and blue spaces—Red Rock Canyon, Garden of the Gods, Palmer Park, and nearby trails—reduces stress hormones and improves mood. Aim for short, frequent outings (20–30 minutes) if a longer hike isn’t possible.

• Micro‑breaks outside: Step outside during work breaks, take deep breaths while looking at the sky, or do a brief walk around the block to reset.

• Seasonal awareness: Colorado’s weather shifts quickly. Prepare for seasonal affective changes by increasing daylight exposure in winter and planning outdoor activities during milder times of day.

Build a Simple Daily Routine

• Morning anchor: Start with one calm habit — 5 minutes of stretching, a short breathing exercise, or a quiet cup of coffee without screens.

• Prioritize sleep: Establish a consistent bedtime and wake time. Limit screen use an hour before bed and create a relaxing pre‑sleep routine.

• Movement and nutrition: Regular, moderate exercise and balanced meals stabilize mood. If you’re short on time, 10–20 minutes of movement (walk, yoga, or bodyweight routine) is beneficial.

• Break up tasks: Use focused work blocks (e.g., 45–60 minutes) with short restorative breaks to reduce overwhelm.

Practice Practical Anxiety Management Techniques

• Grounding exercises: Use the 5‑4‑3‑2‑1 technique or name five things you can see to shift attention from anxious thoughts to the present moment.

• Box breathing: Inhale 4 seconds — hold 4 — exhale 4 — hold 4. Repeat for several cycles to calm the nervous system.

• Progressive muscle relaxation: Tense and release muscle groups from toes to head to release physical tension.

• Mindful movement: Combine breath with movement through walking, yoga, or Tai Chi to reduce both physical and mental tension.

Design Your Social and Work Life for Less Stress

• Set boundaries: Say no to commitments that overload you. Practice concise, respectful refusals and avoid over‑explaining.

• Manage notifications: Silence nonessential apps during work hours and weekends to reduce cognitive load.

• Create commute strategies: If traffic increases anxiety, consider adjusted hours, carpooling, public transit options, or remote work days where possible.

• Build a supportive network: Connect with friends, neighbors, or coworkers who understand your needs. Consider local groups that align with interests (outdoor clubs, volunteer organizations) for low‑pressure socializing.

Use Community Resources

• Mental health care: Colorado Springs has counselors and therapists with varying specialties. If anxiety interferes with daily functioning, seek professional evaluation. Telehealth expands access if transportation or scheduling is a barrier.

• Support groups and workshops: Look for local anxiety, stress management, or mindfulness groups. Community centers and clinics frequently offer low‑cost classes.

• Crisis resources: Know local emergency and crisis hotlines for immediate help if you or someone you know is in danger or experiencing a mental health crisis.

Plan for Peak Stress Times

• Tourist seasons and events: Anticipate busy weekends around holiday festivals, tourist months, or race events. Plan errands for weekdays or quieter times.

• Weather and natural events: Prepare for snowstorms or sudden weather changes. Keep an emergency kit and a flexible plan so unexpected events don’t escalate anxiety.

• Work cycles: Identify high‑pressure periods at your job and prepare with lighter schedules before and after, task delegation, or planned decompressing activities.

Cultivate Long‑Term Resilience

• Develop realistic expectations: High performance and constant productivity aren’t sustainable. Allow for rest and recovery as productive parts of life.

• Practice self‑compassion: Treat setbacks and anxious episodes with

How to Find a Qualified Trauma Therapist in Colorado Springs, Colorado

How to Find a Qualified Trauma Therapist in Colorado Springs, Colorado

Finding the right trauma therapist is an essential step towards healing and recovery. In Colorado Springs, there are several ways to locate a qualified professional who can meet your needs.

1. Check Credentials and Specializations
   Look for therapists licensed in Colorado with certifications or specialized training in trauma-focused therapies such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), or Somatic Experiencing (SEP). Credentials ensure the therapist has met professional standards and is experienced in trauma work. While EMDT can be highly effective for many, it may feel too intense or overwhelming for some individuals, making it important to assess personal readiness before beginning treatment.

2. Seek Referrals and Recommendations
   Ask your primary care provider, mental health clinics, or local support groups for referrals. Personal recommendations can help you find trusted professionals in your area.

3. Use Reputable Directories
   Professional directories specific to trauma or mental health, such as Good Therapy or Psychology Today, allow you to filter by location and specialty to find trauma therapists in Colorado Springs.

4. Consider Experience and Approach
   Review the therapist’s experience with trauma and their therapeutic methods. Some approaches work better for certain individuals, so understanding the therapist’s style and philosophy can be helpful.

5. Evaluate Logistics and Comfort
   Scheduling, fees, and the location of the therapist’s office can affect your commitment to therapy. It’s important that you feel comfortable and safe during sessions, which is particularly critical for trauma work.

Online Therapy vs. In-Person Trauma Therapy
While online therapy has become popular due to convenience and accessibility, trauma therapy often benefits from the nuanced communication and immediate support possible in face-to-face sessions. Many therapists in Colorado Springs offer both options, but for deep trauma work, starting with or maintaining in-person sessions can enhance safety and connection.

If you are seeking qualified trauma therapy in Colorado Springs, consider these factors to find a professional best suited to support your journey toward healing.

Beyond Talk Therapy: What to Expect from Trauma Healing in Colorado Springs

Title: Beyond Talk Therapy: What to Expect from Trauma Healing in Colorado Springs

If you’ve been searching for a trauma therapist in Colorado Springs, chances are you’re already exhausted. You’ve probably talked through your story more than once. Maybe you’ve done years of traditional therapy. You’ve gained insight, understood your patterns, and can explain your trauma — but deep down, you’re still stuck.

That’s because trauma doesn’t just live in the mind — it lives in the body. And healing it often requires something beyond talk therapy.

At Everett Wellness Counseling, we understand how hard it is to feel disconnected from your life and your body. That’s why our approach to trauma therapy in Colorado Springs goes deeper. We help clients create a sense of internal safety, reconnect with their emotional world, and regain a sense of agency over their lives.

What Traditional Talk Therapy Misses

Talk therapy can be powerful. But for many trauma survivors, it’s just not enough.

You may find yourself:

• Repeating the same story without feeling better

• Nodding and analyzing while staying emotionally numb

• Knowing why you react, but still reacting

That’s because trauma lives in the nervous system. Until we work with your body — and not just your thoughts — lasting relief often feels out of reach.

The Nervous System’s Role in Trauma

When you’ve been through overwhelming experiences, your nervous system adapts to protect you. It might keep you in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn long after the danger is gone. These patterns can show up as:

• Chronic anxiety

• Emotional shutdown

• Dissociation

• Difficulty sleeping or eating

• Trouble connecting with others

Our work together helps your nervous system slowly learn that it’s safe to rest again. That it’s safe to feel. Safe to be here.

What Trauma Therapy Looks Like at Everett Wellness Counseling

Our approach is compassionate, collaborative, and body-informed. That means we don’t just ask, “What happened to you?” We also ask, “What’s happening in your body right now?”

Here’s what you can expect:

1. Safety First

We never push you to relive painful memories. Instead, we help you build internal safety — the foundation for any real healing.

2. Body-Based Awareness

Using mindfulness, somatic techniques, and present-moment tracking, we help you connect with what your body is holding — and gently begin to release it.

3. Nervous System Regulation

You’ll learn how to recognize when you’re approaching overwhelm and how to bring yourself back to a place of calm — without shutting down.

4. Real-Life Integration

Healing trauma doesn’t just happen in session. It happens when you begin to:

• Speak up for yourself

• Rest without guilt

• Notice your needs before you crash

• Choose relationships that support your growth

We’re here to support that every step of the way.

Common Misconceptions About Trauma Therapy

"I have to relive everything for therapy to work."

Nope. In fact, re-experiencing trauma without enough support can actually make things worse. We go at your pace, always.

"I should be able to handle this on my own."

Would you say that to someone with a broken leg? Of course not. Trauma deserves care and support, just like physical injuries do.

"If therapy didn’t work before, it won’t work now."

Different approaches produce different results. Many of our clients find that working with the nervous system makes all the difference.

Who Trauma Therapy Helps

You don’t need a specific diagnosis to benefit from trauma therapy. If any of these resonate, this work might be for you:

• You feel numb or disconnected from your life

• You have a hard time trusting people

• You feel stuck in patterns that no longer serve you

• You suspect past experiences are affecting you more than you realize

Many of our clients have already tried therapy — and were frustrated that they still felt stuck. This is where healing can finally begin.

What Changes When You Heal

Over time, clients report:

• Feeling more present in daily life

• Experiencing a full range of emotions — not just anxiety or shutdown

• Making decisions that align with their true needs

• Developing deep self-trust

• Reconnecting with joy, purpose, and peace

Trauma healing isn’t linear. But it is possible. And you don’t have to do it alone.

Begin Your Healing Journey Today

If you’re ready to try something different — something deeper — trauma therapy in Colorado Springs might be the next right step.

At Everett Wellness Counseling, we’ll meet you where you are. With compassion. With curiosity. And with the tools to help you finally move forward.

Book a free 15-minute consultation or call us at 719-357-7062 to see if we’re the right fit.

You don’t have to keep carrying this alone. Let’s take that next step, together.

Author Bio

Sarra Everett, MS, LPC offers trauma therapy in Colorado Springs for individuals who are tired of being stuck in survival mode. Whether you’ve tried talk therapy before or you’re just beginning your healing journey, we offer a body-based, compassionate approach that goes beyond insight alone. Learn more on our homepage or explore our specialty page to see how we help clients reconnect with themselves, their needs, and their sense of aliveness.

Rejection In Dating (Guest Writer!)

This post is from a guest writer. She writes about her challenges in the dating world and how it has had an impact on her mental health. I’m sure many of you can relate. This is a good read. Enjoy!

Rejection. No one likes it. No one wants it. Unfortunately, it’s part of life. Fortunately, we don’t have to be controlled by the feeling. And hopefully, we can learn to grow from it. 

Rejection is something we experience from a young age. Whether it’s not getting picked for a game at recess, not getting asked to a school dance, or your closest friends hanging out without you. The thing about rejection is...it never stops. Logically we know we can’t stop rejection. Telling our hearts and emotions that truth is a completely different situation.

While rejection is part of every aspect of our lives there’s one area, as a single woman, where it hits me hard - dating. If I know anything about other single people, it’s the same for them. 

Let’s reflect on dating for a moment before connecting it with rejection. First off, dating is vulnerable. Whether you’re simply looking for someone to chill with for a while or you’re dating to find a long-term partner, it’s the same for everyone albeit with varying levels of depth. As you spend time with someone, you share parts of yourself with them: your thoughts, your humor, your joy, your grief, your time. This creates a connection and vulnerability. 

Now to connect it to rejection.

After you’ve connected and been vulnerable, someone says - no, I don’t want you. They may say it with a conversation, a call, or a text, or they may not say anything at all and just walk away.

It’s crushing. Maybe some people have figured out how to lessen the impact, like a marshmallow being lightly squeezed. For others, it feels like they’ve been flattened making it hard to recover.

So what is next? You started a thing with someone and they walked away.

Over the years I’ve collected some great advice and learned a few things myself. Here are a few things I try to remember after a relationship ends. 

First, your worth is not determined by someone else’s choice. You have beautiful and strong attributes unique to you. Just because someone walked away does not lessen that one bit. I always encourage myself and others to evaluate the relationship to identify personal growth opportunities. We can learn so much about ourselves from relationships that it's valuable to take the time to reflect. Be mindful not to put all the "blame" on yourself during this reflection...some of us have that tendency and it's never helpful. 

This one is hard for me to write because it’s one of the hardest things for me to hear personally, but I say it to others because it’s valuable to remember. There is a better relationship out there for you. When we’ve just been dumped, ghosted, or whatever happened this time, it's easy to focus on the negative. This is the time we have to stay diligent, remember our worth, and remember some truths. There’s a reason(s) it didn’t work. You don’t need to aggressively mourn the loss of someone or desperately try to get them back out of fear that no one else will come along. Sometimes it just doesn’t work, and the “why” may never be fully known. We can move on anyway. 

A couple of other things to remember: You don’t know what is going on inside of the other person that caused their behavior, so try not to make assumptions. Also, give yourself time. There’s a balance between allowing yourself to feel all the feelings: sadness, anger, confusion, hurt, relief, annoyance, and more; and making room for hope, joy, laughter, and practical thinking. We don’t want to push away real feelings, but we also don’t want to be ruled by them. 

After a particularly difficult season of dating, I pulled out some old advice I heard somewhere. I created a sort of mantra I’d say to myself. I gathered thoughts and truths about myself and made a concise list. When I was in a spiral, I’d go through the list. I’m not broken. I have hope. I can do hard things. I love my life. I can do hard things. I’m not broken. Maybe this isn’t your thing, I didn’t think it was mine for many years. But maybe one day it’ll come in handy for you.

One last thought before we close. Where is dating and finding a partner, in order of priority, when it comes to your life goals? I’m not here to make a statement about where it should be. That’s for you to decide. What I’ll say is, I think it’s important to know where it falls on your list and why. It’s valuable to understand how and why you’re operating the way you are. Who knows, maybe after some review you’ll reorder your list. 

Dating is not for the faint of heart. You’re choosing to put yourself out in the world and show and share your heart. I hope you feel courageous for making that effort. Remember, you are stronger than you think; rejection does not define you. 

What is Trauma, and how can Somatic Experiencing help?

I want to share a little information about one of the main treatment approaches I use as a Mental Health Therapist - Somatic Experiencing (SE). Along with talk therapy, I use SE to help resolve trauma that can occur after a shocking, scary, or dangerous experience such as a car accident, abuse, or a natural disaster - just to name a few. The symptoms of trauma can impact a person physically or emotionally. According to the Mayo Clinic (*1), the symptoms of trauma are:

“Intrusive memories

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

• Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event

• Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)

• Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event

• Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event

Avoidance

Symptoms of avoidance may include:

• Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event

• Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event

Negative changes in thinking and mood

Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include:

• Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world

• Hopelessness about the future

• Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event

• Difficulty maintaining close relationships

• Feeling detached from family and friends

• Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed

• Difficulty experiencing positive emotions

• Feeling emotionally numb

Changes in physical and emotional reactions

Symptoms of changes in physical and emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include:

• Being easily startled or frightened

• Always being on guard for danger

• Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast

• Trouble sleeping

• Trouble concentrating

• Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior

• Overwhelming guilt or shame

For children 6 years old and younger, signs and symptoms may also include:

• Re-enacting the traumatic event or aspects of the traumatic event through play

• Frightening dreams that may or may not include aspects of the traumatic event”

If you are experiencing some of these symptoms, you may want to consider finding a trauma therapist to help your nervous system come back into regulation and resolve these symptoms. There are a few different approaches to feeling better such as EMDR, but SE is a gentle form of therapy that helps an individual resolve trauma. Below is additional information about SE from Somatic Experiencing International (*2):

“Somatic Experiencing (SE) aims to resolve symptoms of stress, shock, and trauma that accumulate in our bodies. When we are stuck in patterns of fight, flight, or freeze, SE helps us release, recover, and become more resilient. It is a body-oriented therapeutic model applied in multiple professions and professional settings—psychotherapy, medicine, coaching, teaching, and physical therapy—for healing trauma and other stress disorders. It is based on a multidisciplinary intersection of physiology, psychology, ethology, biology, neuroscience, indigenous healing practices, and medical biophysics and has been clinically applied for more than four decades. It is the life’s work of Dr. Peter A. Levine.

The SE approach releases traumatic shock, which is key to transforming PTSD and the wounds of emotional and early developmental attachment trauma. It offers a framework to assess where a person is “stuck” in the fight, flight or freeze responses and provides clinical tools to resolve these fixated physiological states. SE provides effective skills appropriate to a variety of healing professions including mental health, medicine, physical and occupational therapies, bodywork, addiction treatment, first response, education, and others.”

Please contact me if you would like to set up a consultation about resolving your trauma.

*Source 1: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967

*Source 2: https://traumahealing.org/se-101/

Challenging the inevitability of inherited mental illness

It was an honor to be interviewed for this article by Lindsey Phillips on inherited mental illness. It’s in the September issue of Counseling Today Magazine. It’s a great resource and a good read. As always, feel free to reach out if you have questions about your mental health and would like to schedule a phone consultation.

https://ct.counseling.org/2019/08/challenging-the-inevitability-of-inherited-mental-illness/

A quick thought about those difficult days...

Some days are just more difficult than others. Maybe it’s difficult to get out of bed and face the world, brush your teeth or even eat. The fact is sometimes we know why we’re having this experience, and other days we may never know why some days are harder than others. It could be related to a physical reason like fluctuating hormones or maybe your body is fighting off a cold. It could be related to a negative interaction you had yesterday with a coworker that you’re not ready to unpack. Whatever the reason is for a low mood, it is okay to feel low. Not every day is going to be great. But I do think that a productive challenge for people to take on during these days is to accept their current mood while also acknowledging the things in your life that are good. We have the propensity as human beings to see things as all good or all bad. But is it possible for you to accept that there’s tension between you and a coworker while still looking forward to your plans next weekend? Or can you hold the feeling that you’d rather stay in bed all day yet make space for appreciating the beautiful weather outside anyway? Sometimes making space for something positive or beautiful can be enough to get us through those difficult days.

THE 4 TYPES OF DENIAL, A CHARACTERISTIC OF CODEPENDENCY - By Darlene Lancer

I’d like to share an article I found on dummies.com. It’s written by Darlene Lancer and is filled with relevant information for the client base I work with. You may find the rest of the original article at: this link: https://www.dummies.com/health/mental-health/codependency/the-4-types-of-denial-a-characteristic-of-codependency/

“When it comes to addiction and codependency, denial isn’t healthy; in fact, it can be dangerous. By not facing the problem, you deprive yourself of learning constructive measures that can improve and potentially save your life and those of others. Codependents have multiple types of denial. Four are explored here. TYPE 1: DENYING SOMEONE’S BEHAVIOR

The first type of denial is denying that someone in your life has an addiction or that his or her behavior is causing a problem or is negatively affecting you. It’s common with codependents because

You may have grown up with addiction or the problem behavior in your family, so it feels familiar and normal.

• Addicts and abusers don’t like to take responsibility for their behavior. They deny it and blame others who are willing to accept this as the truth.

• Growing up in dysfunctional families, you learn to not trust your ­perceptions and what you know.

• Acknowledging the truth would cause feelings of shame because of the stigma attached to addiction and abuse.

• Low self‐esteem lowers your expectations of being treated well.

• You lack information about the signs of addiction and abuse.”

For the rest of the article, please follow the link above.

Being Non-Judgmental

One day during my internship about 7 years ago, I was observing my supervisor in one group therapy session. The topic of that session was learning how to be nonjudgmental. Being non-judgmental is one of the tenets of mindfulness and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). To be nonjudgmental one must avoid judging something as neither bad nor good, see that things are what they are, and focus on the facts.

Being nonjudgmental can run very counter to our nature and our culture. You don’t have to look far to find people casting judgment. Judgments can often come with negative assumptions about situations and people that aren’t true and can create even more negative thoughts or feelings creating a snowball effect. While it may not be practical to abstain from judgment at all times, when it comes to situations that cause intense emotional distress, try using the following steps from DBT to practice a nonjudgmental stance and note how it impacts your thoughts or emotions:

Observe: Pay attention to your 5 senses. Are you getting any information from your eyes, ears, nose, skin, and tongue? If so, what is it? Stay present in the moment while trying not to push anything away or cling to anything. Silently observe what’s happening around you and allow thoughts and sensations to roll in and out of your body and awareness. Pay close attention to what is happening within you and outside of you.

Describe: Describing is very important when you’re working to accept the world and situations as they are. “Label a thought as just a thought, a feeling as just a feeling, an action as just an action.” (Linehan, 53). Only describe information that comes through your 5 senses.

Participate: The final step is to be fully engaged in the task that you are doing while tolerating and accepting the different thoughts and emotions that you are experiencing without judgment.

Psychotherapy for Adults Raised by Parents with Mental Illness

You’re an adult who has a parent with significant mental health challenges. You know that the relationship you have with your parent is not ideal, but that may not be your most pressing concern. You want to stop feeling so uncomfortable in your skin and relationships with others. You often feel that you can’t just be yourself, and at times, you’re not even sure who you are. When you have strong thoughts and opinions, you may not express them for fear that you might upset someone or push them away. This is the last thing that you want because you crave closeness in your relationships, but you don’t know how to create it. You may even be in a romantic relationship that feels good and comfortable at times, but you know that something is missing or you are too fearful to assert yourself or create conflict. You’ve grown used to putting your needs and wants last. When you do feel a sense of disapproval from others, you may spiral into anxiety, depression, anger, or self-criticism.

Because our early years and the relationship with our parents teach us how to see the world, interact with others, and what to expect from others in relationships, it is important to understand the dynamics between you and your parents. I use an attachment survey and other methods to figure this out. People form conscious and subconscious “rules” based on these early relationships. It’s especially helpful to understand this foundation when we dig into counseling. 

While very important, understanding alone isn’t going to help you get better. Once we thoroughly understand the problem, we can formulate strategies that will be helpful to you. I have found that creating a low-pressure, warm, and friendly therapy relationship makes getting better easier. Oftentimes the solution to difficult problems requires creativity. Stress, anxiety, and fear inhibit creativity, so it’s very important to keep therapy as relaxed as possible. This doesn’t mean that psychotherapy is easy. It just means that when you’re working through challenges, I'm going to be consistently kind, and supportive and be receptive to your needs, opinions, and thoughts.

I teach people how to restructure the way they see themselves and their roles and values in relationships. We do this by focusing on healthy ways to be assertive without blaming others, understanding where your responsibility begins and ends in challenging situations, and discovering how to gain approval from within rather than getting it solely from others. We work to find ways to cope with negative emotions while learning to increase and experience positive emotions even if things are not perfect.

The most consistent things that I’ve heard from clients that I've worked with is that they have fewer “off” days, less intense, negative emotions, and an increase of positive emotions. They can move out of these dark spaces with greater ease and more quickly. Clients also report that they experience peace for the first time, sometimes, in years. They can recognize dysfunctional patterns when they begin which allows them to pump the breaks and do something different. This is an empowering experience because it allows people to exit negative cycles of behavior that have historically caused so much pain and distress.

It’s tempting to continue to avoid the problem, but you know that this will only prolong your dissatisfaction and pain. You know that each day that passes, you become more complacent and believe that you are less and less deserving of building a life that you don’t want to escape from.  You’re tired of using unhealthy means to cope with difficult feelings and negative thoughts and you may find yourself in a relationship that is unhealthy or harmful… or maybe you’ve just been white-knuckling through life.

The process of psychotherapy can help you unpack current and childhood experiences in a supportive place and leave behind baggage and patterns that don’t serve you well anymore. Cultivating new ways of approaching relationships and shifting the way you see yourself is one of the most satisfying and powerful experiences in therapy. When you're able to be more authentic with others and yourself, you might find it easier to leave behind negative means of coping and increase your overall quality of life and wellness.

If you’re ready to set aside guilt and shame and put yourself first, click here to set up an appointment. Get ready to start feeling more confidence, peace, and joy in your daily life, learn healthy ways to cope, and nurture more intimate relationships with others.

Avoiding the Unfamiliar

I did it! I finally purchased a universal remote. You see, 5 years ago our remote control disappeared and ever since we have had to stand up and walk to the television to make adjustments. What stopped us from buying a new remote control years ago? Good question. I suppose I avoided it for so long because I thought it would take too much work to figure out what kind of remote to buy. I was anxious about the time it would take to program it and did not want to think about adding a pricey gadget like a remote control to our budget. Frankly, I was avoiding doing a task that I greatly disliked. I told myself it would take too much time, be too expensive, too stressful. Alas, the buttons on our TV stopped working. Our choices were as follows: stop watching TV (my kids would revolt), buy a new TV or buy a new remote control. So, we headed to Target dreading the unknown...

Wow. I was wrong. It took me one minute -just one- to program the remote, and it was a whopping $8. I cringe when I think of all the time we wasted walking back and forth to the TV and the subtle anxiety about the expense and work it would take to source and program the remote. I'm happy to say that I'm not quite as avoidant most of the time. Oh technology, you hold a special place in my heart. The reality of the situation did not match my preconceived notion. This is often true for most of us in many areas of life. But there's good news. The more we engage in unfamiliar or uncomfortable activities that can be beneficial for our lives - like learning conversation skills to have a more productive conversation with a loved one or practicing patience - the more likely we are to continue to move toward the unfamiliar. We learn that maybe our worries about a situation were excessive when compared to our actual experience. So, what’s one thing you can do today to move towards growth even if it's uncomfortable?                   

Finding a Therapist in Decatur, GA

Most people wait a long time before they reach out for therapy. You are a self-sufficient person, you do your best, use your coping skills, try exercise, maybe yoga, it's only when everything that you can think of doesn't work that you reach out to see if psychotherapy will help.

How do you find a therapist in Decatur, GA?

Google is always a great way to search. Just type in your location and what you're looking for. For example, "female therapist in Decatur, GA to help with depression." 

Psychology Today is another great resource when searching for a therapist. You can search by City, Zip Code, Specialty, Problem, Payment and Insurance Type

Ask around! Word of mouth proves successful when looking for any professional and it works when looking for a therapist too. It can be very comforting knowing someone toy know has been satisfied with their experience with your therapist. Don't forget to ask your doctor or other medical professionals for referrals. 

Once you have a short list of therapist, give them a call or visit their website. Many counselors offer a free phone consultation. This is a great time to get a feel for their personality and style.

There are many practicing counselors in Decatur, GA. When you're ready, I hope you find a therapist who is able to support you.