Rejection In Dating (Guest Writer!)

This post is from a guest writer. She writes about her challenges in the dating world and how it has had an impact on her mental health. I’m sure many of you can relate. This is a good read. Enjoy!

Rejection. No one likes it. No one wants it. Unfortunately, it’s part of life. Fortunately, we don’t have to be controlled by the feeling. And hopefully, we can learn to grow from it. 

Rejection is something we experience from a young age. Whether it’s not getting picked for a game at recess, not getting asked to a school dance, or your closest friends hanging out without you. The thing about rejection is...it never stops. Logically we know we can’t stop rejection. Telling our hearts and emotions that truth is a completely different situation.

While rejection is part of every aspect of our lives there’s one area, as a single woman, where it hits me hard - dating. If I know anything about other single people, it’s the same for them. 

Let’s reflect on dating for a moment before connecting it with rejection. First off, dating is vulnerable. Whether you’re simply looking for someone to chill with for a while or you’re dating to find a long-term partner, it’s the same for everyone albeit with varying levels of depth. As you spend time with someone, you share parts of yourself with them: your thoughts, your humor, your joy, your grief, your time. This creates a connection and vulnerability. 

Now to connect it to rejection.

After you’ve connected and been vulnerable, someone says - no, I don’t want you. They may say it with a conversation, a call, or a text, or they may not say anything at all and just walk away.

It’s crushing. Maybe some people have figured out how to lessen the impact, like a marshmallow being lightly squeezed. For others, it feels like they’ve been flattened making it hard to recover.

So what is next? You started a thing with someone and they walked away.

Over the years I’ve collected some great advice and learned a few things myself. Here are a few things I try to remember after a relationship ends. 

First, your worth is not determined by someone else’s choice. You have beautiful and strong attributes unique to you. Just because someone walked away does not lessen that one bit. I always encourage myself and others to evaluate the relationship to identify personal growth opportunities. We can learn so much about ourselves from relationships that it's valuable to take the time to reflect. Be mindful not to put all the "blame" on yourself during this reflection...some of us have that tendency and it's never helpful. 

This one is hard for me to write because it’s one of the hardest things for me to hear personally, but I say it to others because it’s valuable to remember. There is a better relationship out there for you. When we’ve just been dumped, ghosted, or whatever happened this time, it's easy to focus on the negative. This is the time we have to stay diligent, remember our worth, and remember some truths. There’s a reason(s) it didn’t work. You don’t need to aggressively mourn the loss of someone or desperately try to get them back out of fear that no one else will come along. Sometimes it just doesn’t work, and the “why” may never be fully known. We can move on anyway. 

A couple of other things to remember: You don’t know what is going on inside of the other person that caused their behavior, so try not to make assumptions. Also, give yourself time. There’s a balance between allowing yourself to feel all the feelings: sadness, anger, confusion, hurt, relief, annoyance, and more; and making room for hope, joy, laughter, and practical thinking. We don’t want to push away real feelings, but we also don’t want to be ruled by them. 

After a particularly difficult season of dating, I pulled out some old advice I heard somewhere. I created a sort of mantra I’d say to myself. I gathered thoughts and truths about myself and made a concise list. When I was in a spiral, I’d go through the list. I’m not broken. I have hope. I can do hard things. I love my life. I can do hard things. I’m not broken. Maybe this isn’t your thing, I didn’t think it was mine for many years. But maybe one day it’ll come in handy for you.

One last thought before we close. Where is dating and finding a partner, in order of priority, when it comes to your life goals? I’m not here to make a statement about where it should be. That’s for you to decide. What I’ll say is, I think it’s important to know where it falls on your list and why. It’s valuable to understand how and why you’re operating the way you are. Who knows, maybe after some review you’ll reorder your list. 

Dating is not for the faint of heart. You’re choosing to put yourself out in the world and show and share your heart. I hope you feel courageous for making that effort. Remember, you are stronger than you think; rejection does not define you.