Rejection In Dating (Guest Writer!)

This post is from a guest writer. She writes about her challenges in the dating world and how it has had an impact on her mental health. I’m sure many of you can relate. This is a good read. Enjoy!

Rejection. No one likes it. No one wants it. Unfortunately, it’s part of life. Fortunately, we don’t have to be controlled by the feeling. And hopefully, we can learn to grow from it. 

Rejection is something we experience from a young age. Whether it’s not getting picked for a game at recess, not getting asked to a school dance, or your closest friends hanging out without you. The thing about rejection is...it never stops. Logically we know we can’t stop rejection. Telling our hearts and emotions that truth is a completely different situation.

While rejection is part of every aspect of our lives there’s one area, as a single woman, where it hits me hard - dating. If I know anything about other single people, it’s the same for them. 

Let’s reflect on dating for a moment before connecting it with rejection. First off, dating is vulnerable. Whether you’re simply looking for someone to chill with for a while or you’re dating to find a long-term partner, it’s the same for everyone albeit with varying levels of depth. As you spend time with someone, you share parts of yourself with them: your thoughts, your humor, your joy, your grief, your time. This creates a connection and vulnerability. 

Now to connect it to rejection.

After you’ve connected and been vulnerable, someone says - no, I don’t want you. They may say it with a conversation, a call, or a text, or they may not say anything at all and just walk away.

It’s crushing. Maybe some people have figured out how to lessen the impact, like a marshmallow being lightly squeezed. For others, it feels like they’ve been flattened making it hard to recover.

So what is next? You started a thing with someone and they walked away.

Over the years I’ve collected some great advice and learned a few things myself. Here are a few things I try to remember after a relationship ends. 

First, your worth is not determined by someone else’s choice. You have beautiful and strong attributes unique to you. Just because someone walked away does not lessen that one bit. I always encourage myself and others to evaluate the relationship to identify personal growth opportunities. We can learn so much about ourselves from relationships that it's valuable to take the time to reflect. Be mindful not to put all the "blame" on yourself during this reflection...some of us have that tendency and it's never helpful. 

This one is hard for me to write because it’s one of the hardest things for me to hear personally, but I say it to others because it’s valuable to remember. There is a better relationship out there for you. When we’ve just been dumped, ghosted, or whatever happened this time, it's easy to focus on the negative. This is the time we have to stay diligent, remember our worth, and remember some truths. There’s a reason(s) it didn’t work. You don’t need to aggressively mourn the loss of someone or desperately try to get them back out of fear that no one else will come along. Sometimes it just doesn’t work, and the “why” may never be fully known. We can move on anyway. 

A couple of other things to remember: You don’t know what is going on inside of the other person that caused their behavior, so try not to make assumptions. Also, give yourself time. There’s a balance between allowing yourself to feel all the feelings: sadness, anger, confusion, hurt, relief, annoyance, and more; and making room for hope, joy, laughter, and practical thinking. We don’t want to push away real feelings, but we also don’t want to be ruled by them. 

After a particularly difficult season of dating, I pulled out some old advice I heard somewhere. I created a sort of mantra I’d say to myself. I gathered thoughts and truths about myself and made a concise list. When I was in a spiral, I’d go through the list. I’m not broken. I have hope. I can do hard things. I love my life. I can do hard things. I’m not broken. Maybe this isn’t your thing, I didn’t think it was mine for many years. But maybe one day it’ll come in handy for you.

One last thought before we close. Where is dating and finding a partner, in order of priority, when it comes to your life goals? I’m not here to make a statement about where it should be. That’s for you to decide. What I’ll say is, I think it’s important to know where it falls on your list and why. It’s valuable to understand how and why you’re operating the way you are. Who knows, maybe after some review you’ll reorder your list. 

Dating is not for the faint of heart. You’re choosing to put yourself out in the world and show and share your heart. I hope you feel courageous for making that effort. Remember, you are stronger than you think; rejection does not define you. 

What is Trauma, and how can Somatic Experiencing help?

I want to share a little information about one of the main treatment approaches I use as a Mental Health Therapist - Somatic Experiencing (SE). Along with talk therapy, I use SE to help resolve trauma that can occur after a shocking, scary, or dangerous experience such as a car accident, abuse, or a natural disaster - just to name a few. The symptoms of trauma can impact a person physically or emotionally. According to the Mayo Clinic (*1), the symptoms of trauma are:

“Intrusive memories

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

• Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event

• Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)

• Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event

• Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event

Avoidance

Symptoms of avoidance may include:

• Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event

• Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event

Negative changes in thinking and mood

Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include:

• Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world

• Hopelessness about the future

• Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event

• Difficulty maintaining close relationships

• Feeling detached from family and friends

• Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed

• Difficulty experiencing positive emotions

• Feeling emotionally numb

Changes in physical and emotional reactions

Symptoms of changes in physical and emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include:

• Being easily startled or frightened

• Always being on guard for danger

• Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast

• Trouble sleeping

• Trouble concentrating

• Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior

• Overwhelming guilt or shame

For children 6 years old and younger, signs and symptoms may also include:

• Re-enacting the traumatic event or aspects of the traumatic event through play

• Frightening dreams that may or may not include aspects of the traumatic event”

If you are experiencing some of these symptoms, you may want to consider finding a trauma therapist to help your nervous system come back into regulation and resolve these symptoms. There are a few different approaches to feeling better such as EMDR, but SE is a gentle form of therapy that helps an individual resolve trauma. Below is additional information about SE from Somatic Experiencing International (*2):

“Somatic Experiencing (SE) aims to resolve symptoms of stress, shock, and trauma that accumulate in our bodies. When we are stuck in patterns of fight, flight, or freeze, SE helps us release, recover, and become more resilient. It is a body-oriented therapeutic model applied in multiple professions and professional settings—psychotherapy, medicine, coaching, teaching, and physical therapy—for healing trauma and other stress disorders. It is based on a multidisciplinary intersection of physiology, psychology, ethology, biology, neuroscience, indigenous healing practices, and medical biophysics and has been clinically applied for more than four decades. It is the life’s work of Dr. Peter A. Levine.

The SE approach releases traumatic shock, which is key to transforming PTSD and the wounds of emotional and early developmental attachment trauma. It offers a framework to assess where a person is “stuck” in the fight, flight or freeze responses and provides clinical tools to resolve these fixated physiological states. SE provides effective skills appropriate to a variety of healing professions including mental health, medicine, physical and occupational therapies, bodywork, addiction treatment, first response, education, and others.”

Please contact me if you would like to set up a consultation about resolving your trauma.

*Source 1: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967

*Source 2: https://traumahealing.org/se-101/

Challenging the inevitability of inherited mental illness

It was an honor to be interviewed for this article by Lindsey Phillips on inherited mental illness. It’s in the September issue of Counseling Today Magazine. It’s a great resource and a good read. As always, feel free to reach out if you have questions about your mental health and would like to schedule a phone consultation.

https://ct.counseling.org/2019/08/challenging-the-inevitability-of-inherited-mental-illness/

A quick thought about those difficult days...

Some days are just more difficult than others. Maybe it’s difficult to get out of bed and face the world, brush your teeth or even eat. The fact is sometimes we know why we’re having this experience, and other days we may never know why some days are harder than others. It could be related to a physical reason like fluctuating hormones or maybe your body is fighting off a cold. It could be related to a negative interaction you had yesterday with a coworker that you’re not ready to unpack. Whatever the reason is for a low mood, it is okay to feel low. Not every day is going to be great. But I do think that a productive challenge for people to take on during these days is to accept their current mood while also acknowledging the things in your life that are good. We have the propensity as human beings to see things as all good or all bad. But is it possible for you to accept that there’s tension between you and a coworker while still looking forward to your plans next weekend? Or can you hold the feeling that you’d rather stay in bed all day yet make space for appreciating the beautiful weather outside anyway? Sometimes making space for something positive or beautiful can be enough to get us through those difficult days.

THE 4 TYPES OF DENIAL, A CHARACTERISTIC OF CODEPENDENCY - By Darlene Lancer

I’d like to share an article I found on dummies.com. It’s written by Darlene Lancer and is filled with relevant information for the client base I work with. You may find the rest of the original article at: this link: https://www.dummies.com/health/mental-health/codependency/the-4-types-of-denial-a-characteristic-of-codependency/

“When it comes to addiction and codependency, denial isn’t healthy; in fact, it can be dangerous. By not facing the problem, you deprive yourself of learning constructive measures that can improve and potentially save your life and those of others. Codependents have multiple types of denial. Four are explored here. TYPE 1: DENYING SOMEONE’S BEHAVIOR

The first type of denial is denying that someone in your life has an addiction or that his or her behavior is causing a problem or is negatively affecting you. It’s common with codependents because

You may have grown up with addiction or the problem behavior in your family, so it feels familiar and normal.

• Addicts and abusers don’t like to take responsibility for their behavior. They deny it and blame others who are willing to accept this as the truth.

• Growing up in dysfunctional families, you learn to not trust your ­perceptions and what you know.

• Acknowledging the truth would cause feelings of shame because of the stigma attached to addiction and abuse.

• Low self‐esteem lowers your expectations of being treated well.

• You lack information about the signs of addiction and abuse.”

For the rest of the article, please follow the link above.

Being Non-Judgmental

One day during my internship about 7 years ago, I was observing my supervisor in one group therapy session. The topic of that session was learning how to be nonjudgmental. Being non-judgmental is one of the tenets of mindfulness and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). To be nonjudgmental one must avoid judging something as neither bad nor good, see that things are what they are, and focus on the facts.

Being nonjudgmental can run very counter to our nature and our culture. You don’t have to look far to find people casting judgment. Judgments can often come with negative assumptions about situations and people that aren’t true and can create even more negative thoughts or feelings creating a snowball effect. While it may not be practical to abstain from judgment at all times, when it comes to situations that cause intense emotional distress, try using the following steps from DBT to practice a nonjudgmental stance and note how it impacts your thoughts or emotions:

Observe: Pay attention to your 5 senses. Are you getting any information from your eyes, ears, nose, skin, and tongue? If so, what is it? Stay present in the moment while trying not to push anything away or cling to anything. Silently observe what’s happening around you and allow thoughts and sensations to roll in and out of your body and awareness. Pay close attention to what is happening within you and outside of you.

Describe: Describing is very important when you’re working to accept the world and situations as they are. “Label a thought as just a thought, a feeling as just a feeling, an action as just an action.” (Linehan, 53). Only describe information that comes through your 5 senses.

Participate: The final step is to be fully engaged in the task that you are doing while tolerating and accepting the different thoughts and emotions that you are experiencing without judgment.

Psychotherapy for Adults Raised by Parents with Mental Illness

You’re an adult who has a parent with significant mental health challenges. You know that the relationship you have with your parent is not ideal, but that may not be your most pressing concern. You want to stop feeling so uncomfortable in your skin and relationships with others. You often feel that you can’t just be yourself, and at times, you’re not even sure who you are. When you have strong thoughts and opinions, you may not express them for fear that you might upset someone or push them away. This is the last thing that you want because you crave closeness in your relationships, but you don’t know how to create it. You may even be in a romantic relationship that feels good and comfortable at times, but you know that something is missing or you are too fearful to assert yourself or create conflict. You’ve grown used to putting your needs and wants last. When you do feel a sense of disapproval from others, you may spiral into anxiety, depression, anger, or self-criticism.

Because our early years and the relationship with our parents teach us how to see the world, interact with others, and what to expect from others in relationships, it is important to understand the dynamics between you and your parents. I use an attachment survey and other methods to figure this out. People form conscious and subconscious “rules” based on these early relationships. It’s especially helpful to understand this foundation when we dig into counseling. 

While very important, understanding alone isn’t going to help you get better. Once we thoroughly understand the problem, we can formulate strategies that will be helpful to you. I have found that creating a low-pressure, warm, and friendly therapy relationship makes getting better easier. Oftentimes the solution to difficult problems requires creativity. Stress, anxiety, and fear inhibit creativity, so it’s very important to keep therapy as relaxed as possible. This doesn’t mean that psychotherapy is easy. It just means that when you’re working through challenges, I'm going to be consistently kind, and supportive and be receptive to your needs, opinions, and thoughts.

I teach people how to restructure the way they see themselves and their roles and values in relationships. We do this by focusing on healthy ways to be assertive without blaming others, understanding where your responsibility begins and ends in challenging situations, and discovering how to gain approval from within rather than getting it solely from others. We work to find ways to cope with negative emotions while learning to increase and experience positive emotions even if things are not perfect.

The most consistent things that I’ve heard from clients that I've worked with is that they have fewer “off” days, less intense, negative emotions, and an increase of positive emotions. They can move out of these dark spaces with greater ease and more quickly. Clients also report that they experience peace for the first time, sometimes, in years. They can recognize dysfunctional patterns when they begin which allows them to pump the breaks and do something different. This is an empowering experience because it allows people to exit negative cycles of behavior that have historically caused so much pain and distress.

It’s tempting to continue to avoid the problem, but you know that this will only prolong your dissatisfaction and pain. You know that each day that passes, you become more complacent and believe that you are less and less deserving of building a life that you don’t want to escape from.  You’re tired of using unhealthy means to cope with difficult feelings and negative thoughts and you may find yourself in a relationship that is unhealthy or harmful… or maybe you’ve just been white-knuckling through life.

The process of psychotherapy can help you unpack current and childhood experiences in a supportive place and leave behind baggage and patterns that don’t serve you well anymore. Cultivating new ways of approaching relationships and shifting the way you see yourself is one of the most satisfying and powerful experiences in therapy. When you're able to be more authentic with others and yourself, you might find it easier to leave behind negative means of coping and increase your overall quality of life and wellness.

If you’re ready to set aside guilt and shame and put yourself first, click here to set up an appointment. Get ready to start feeling more confidence, peace, and joy in your daily life, learn healthy ways to cope, and nurture more intimate relationships with others.

Avoiding the Unfamiliar

I did it! I finally purchased a universal remote. You see, 5 years ago our remote control disappeared and ever since we have had to stand up and walk to the television to make adjustments. What stopped us from buying a new remote control years ago? Good question. I suppose I avoided it for so long because I thought it would take too much work to figure out what kind of remote to buy. I was anxious about the time it would take to program it and did not want to think about adding a pricey gadget like a remote control to our budget. Frankly, I was avoiding doing a task that I greatly disliked. I told myself it would take too much time, be too expensive, too stressful. Alas, the buttons on our TV stopped working. Our choices were as follows: stop watching TV (my kids would revolt), buy a new TV or buy a new remote control. So, we headed to Target dreading the unknown...

Wow. I was wrong. It took me one minute -just one- to program the remote, and it was a whopping $8. I cringe when I think of all the time we wasted walking back and forth to the TV and the subtle anxiety about the expense and work it would take to source and program the remote. I'm happy to say that I'm not quite as avoidant most of the time. Oh technology, you hold a special place in my heart. The reality of the situation did not match my preconceived notion. This is often true for most of us in many areas of life. But there's good news. The more we engage in unfamiliar or uncomfortable activities that can be beneficial for our lives - like learning conversation skills to have a more productive conversation with a loved one or practicing patience - the more likely we are to continue to move toward the unfamiliar. We learn that maybe our worries about a situation were excessive when compared to our actual experience. So, what’s one thing you can do today to move towards growth even if it's uncomfortable?                   

Finding a Therapist in Decatur, GA

Most people wait a long time before they reach out for therapy. You are a self-sufficient person, you do your best, use your coping skills, try exercise, maybe yoga, it's only when everything that you can think of doesn't work that you reach out to see if psychotherapy will help.

How do you find a therapist in Decatur, GA?

Google is always a great way to search. Just type in your location and what you're looking for. For example, "female therapist in Decatur, GA to help with depression." 

Psychology Today is another great resource when searching for a therapist. You can search by City, Zip Code, Specialty, Problem, Payment and Insurance Type

Ask around! Word of mouth proves successful when looking for any professional and it works when looking for a therapist too. It can be very comforting knowing someone toy know has been satisfied with their experience with your therapist. Don't forget to ask your doctor or other medical professionals for referrals. 

Once you have a short list of therapist, give them a call or visit their website. Many counselors offer a free phone consultation. This is a great time to get a feel for their personality and style.

There are many practicing counselors in Decatur, GA. When you're ready, I hope you find a therapist who is able to support you.